This is the finished portrait, it felt really good to be painting yesterday evening. I forget just how therapeutic the act is.
If you look back through my sketchbooks I have portraits of myself at every size. It’s slightly fascinating to me. Painting this particular portrait made me appreciate just how much of an impact a good haircut can make on a person’s self esteem. My face is plumper than in past years but I felt confident on that day, all because of my hair.
We all know right now I’m in the beginning stages of losing weight. These are the really hard times. I’m still majorly tempted to buy something convenient instead of using my last ounce of energy to make food for 6 people. So.much.effort. We were doing well, everything was planned and prepared. Then we had the family emergency and it took a back seat. The honest truth is sometimes I give in, sometimes I don’t. It’s an even split right now.
I’ve been every size under the sun but the reality is, I’ve only ever TRIED to drop the weight once. And may I add; I did it. Any other time I’ve lost weight was by pure fluke. This is my second attempt and we’re off to a weird start. I don’t know whether it’s because I have more going on in life now, we have an extra child or if I’ve just gotten really lazy. Probably a combination of all the above.
Well, I have a goal for the week. Actually… it begins on Saturday. Right now with the school holidays going on, life is really all about the kids and keeping my sanity as I hear “Muuum” getting called out from every direction… Everyone tells me I have really well behaved children, which is somewhat true. Closer to the truth would be that they’re good at giving off the appearance of being extremely well behaved! They’re just like everyone else’s kids. Good sometimes, ratbags others.
Anyway, back to my goal.
Andrew is on leave next week and we have a few days before we’re on the road doing family things. I have 5 days of him by my side helping with daily life so my aim is to get to the gym those 5 days. That’s 5 days in a row.
That’s probably totally nothing to you awesome gym bunnies out there who work out every day no matter what. It used to be nothing to me too. I’m not here to lie though. This time around I am struggling.
I probably sound like a broken record by now but I don’t feel like it would be fair to make out like this whole thing is easy. For those who have never had to battle the bulge, it can seem very straight forward. Exercise more and eat less (or more in my case). The more I venture in to this journey the more demons I face and even though I’m a grown woman with a happy life, getting past certain events can bring back anxiety and I can trace that anxiety back to childhood.
I was a very quiet, do as your told type of child and because of that, when I was told I HAD to do something, I did it.
I grew up in an environment where you didn’t really eat vegetables. Any vegetables you did have were covered in oil, butter or coconut cream. Every now and then I encountered mixed veges and my Dad did try to bring salads into the home but didn’t get far, I ate them with him, on the occasion salad was there. I had never heard of the word calorie until I was 21, and I don’t consider myself stupid. Food was all the same and I thought ‘junk food’ was only called that because it tasted good because of the little bit of extra sugar etc. There was no understanding why it was bad. Of course; as I got older I began piecing things together to help myself, but it’s an extremely long journey to go on when you start from a knowledge base of nothing.
I look back and it’s no wonder I have issues. I had an actual conversation with my grandfather that went like this. When I say conversation, I mean getting yelled at:
Him: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Cutting off the fat”
Him: “What are you doing that for you stupid girl. That’s the best part.”
Me: “But it’s fat?”
Him: “Eat it, don’t waste it.”
Then he proceeded to show me how to eat it with some of the meat to make it more palatable.
So I ate the fat. Now I’m stuck eating it believing that I’m wasting food and I’m stupid if I don’t.
Another example that comes to mind is from a night where my family were eating something called corned beef soup. I know a tonne of people that love the stuff but I hated this meal.
I ate a bit of it because I knew I had to but the rule in our home was that you had to finish your plate. Now, my Mum had never heard of the term ‘portion size’ because when she dished up, us kids were expected to eat as much as the adults. In front of me was a full bowl of noodles, broth and corned beef. I just couldn’t do it. I made a fuss and I made her really angry. She ended up coming and sitting next to me, holding my neck and force fed me the entire bowl until it was all gone. I think I cried the whole time. As soon as I finished the last spoonful I vomited it all straight back up into the bowl. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was just the reaction my body had to the experience. Throwing up caused me to get in even more trouble.
One last example is that by the time I was 10/11 I had the body of a woman. Puberty kicked in and by 13 I had reached the height I would be for the rest of my life. It’s an awkward time for everyone right? Well from then on the comments I got from my family were about my size. There were times when yes, I was an extremely underweight kid, that then turned into an overweight kid. Then I became a regular sized teen but you know what? They still called me fat. Daily. Not friends or strangers, my own family. Let’s not forget I’m Samoan. I have always weighed more than my peers by at least 10kg. I was 54kg when I met Andrew and the first thing my Dad said to him about me when they met was that I would be a real asset to the hairdessing place if I lost a bit more weight so I brought in more male customers. Yeah. That’s great for a teenage girls self esteem. I had just somehow lost a lot of weight and spent the past 2 years getting comfortable in my own body. It was so normal to me to hear comments like this that I didn’t think it was weird. Annoying yes but totally normal for a Dad to say things like that.
I don’t share these stories because I’m bitter or want to embarrass my family. I love my family.
I share them to show that weight issues really can stem from childhood experiences. I can now no longer eat noodles and it’s a battle for me to NOT finish my plate. I do feel anxiety around certain foods, I see people cut the fat off their meat and my heart races. I want to tell them they’re stupid and wasting the best part. Looking at noodles literally makes me gag. I am extremely self conscious of men looking at me to the point that being fat is like an armour. I don’t have to deal with it if I’m fat.
Needless to say cleaning your plate is not a rule enforced in my house and I’m aware of the words I use in front of my children.
I hope that sharing this raises some kind of awareness for us as parent’s, that our behaviours toward food can impact our children’s relationship with it and that both people that struggle with their weight and people who have never encountered this struggle can either relate or understand that weight loss really is more than just working out and eating less. There are habits to be unlearned, there’s guilt and anxiety, self imposed beliefs that hit you right at your core and stir up memories which can lead to sabotage and a failing belief in yourself. It is a fight. There’s a reason they call it a journey and the quote “Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome.” exists.
I’m happy, I’m excited. I’m still tired and learning but I believe in me. I’m getting there. One day at a time. This week..5 of them in a row.
I’m out to replace the negative habits with positive ones.
I will do it and it will be fun!
Now I just have to hope my family will still talk to me after this post!
I love my Canon too!
