This is by far the hardest post I’ve ever written. Harder than talking about my Dad, harder than taking up new habits to replace my old bad ones. So hard in fact that instead of writing this year… I haven’t said a damn thing. I still don’t want to say anything, but I have to at least mention it, so life can go on. So that I don’t have to keep smiling and nodding when people talk about things that actually kill me inside.
If you noticed things have been oddly quiet around here this year, it’s not because I’m being lazy or have lost interest. Far from it. The reason I haven’t been around is because my 12 year relationship ended back in May and I’ve just been in survival mode the entire time.
It’s been weird. Days blur, I couldn’t tell you what month we’re in, which day it is… What I’m meant to do tomorrow. My memory is only just beginning to work again.
I’ve basically spent the entire year not sleeping, although the other day I managed to hit 6 hours a night for about a week. As I recently explained to a friend, over the months my sleep has gone from zero, to 20 minutes at a time, to an hour, to two hours, three hours, four hours, five hours and finally six hours… but sadly those six hours are coming and going again. There was a good three months where I was waking every half an hour for the little time I did sleep.
I am plain exhausted. My brain isn’t up to tackling the workloads that I’m used to, so all I’m doing is the bare minimum. Which is actually still a hell of a lot.
Forgive me. I will find my way back. I already am, slowly but surely.
I don’t cry a lot anymore. Sometimes it happens but it’s no longer a daily occurrence. Not even weekly! We’re at monthly now. I think I’ve cried more this year than I have in my life. It was a good thing to do.
I don’t feel the need to go into details. He and I, the children… we understand the ins and outs of our lives. That’s all that matters. He is a good man, I am a good woman, we have a beautiful family but things happen and create changes.
I’ve had a wonderful support group in my friends. Just amazing. I have never loved as much or felt as much love as I have this year.
All my friends have showered me with their presence, I couldn’t ask for a better group of people in my life. I feel as though every person I chose to allow into my life, was chosen for a reason, because we share the same values and positive outlook on life. We think differently and act accordingly.
As for him and his support group… you people should be ashamed of yourselves. Adult bullies is what you are.
Sadly I’ve also learned that not everyone knows how to be a friend and I feel sorry for those people who are so miserable that they can’t even love someone in their toughest moment. You learn what people really think of you when you go through something like this. All of a sudden EVERYONE is an expert on your life and your relationship. Some have even tried to dictate what you MUST do. Which I actually found quite amusing seeing as not a single person has been *close to us for twelve years (in every sense of the word), what makes them think they have any right to say or do anything in a relationship that is not their own? Not to mention… get your own shit together first, thank you very much.
Seriously. The mind boggles.
If you are a friend of mine reading this and thinking ‘What the hell did I just read?‘ I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I’m extremely private even though I do have this blog! It’s very hard for me to talk about something so big in my life. It’s all out there now, so you can talk to me about it if you need to. That’s fine with me, ok? Anytime. In fact, I’ll have you over to chat very shortly. I know some will have heard, some might have heard rumours, others might be sitting there going… ahhhhhh now it all makes sense!
To see us now… he and I, I know people question why we’ve broken up. It doesn’t make sense to them. But for us who have had to live this, day in day out for years on end. We get it. What you see now, is not what has been for many years.
We are both are finally happy. Actually the happiest either of us have ever been in our entire lives. Are we a married couple? No. Will we forever be close? Yes. We are still in this together raising some kick-ass kids. I’ve got his back and he’s got mine. THAT’S family.
This huge overhaul has made for a lot of positive change this year and I’m excited to see what the future holds. When I see the smiles on everyone’s faces, I know that even though this has been the hardest thing in our lives to date, it was the best thing we could have done for our family and equally as important, ourselves.
Obviously I’m not writing about any of the not-so-nice stuff, so if this seems very happy and diplomatic (aside from that uhh, one paragraph where I’m goin’ in), believe me, it’s taken all year to get here. That is private business, I won’t be sharing. I just thought I should finally fill you in so I could get my mojo back and get this place flowing again. xx
I don’t want to press publish… but here goes. (I actually wrote a post about this months ago and never pressed publish. An even more straight to the point one. Considering sharing it still.)
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