 |
Don't I look so happy :/
Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just so frustrated all you want to do is scream?
Well that was me yesterday.
I was thinking about just how homesick I was. I thought about where I wanted my career to go. I thought about how I wanted to see my cousin walk through my door so we could have a long girl talk. I got to thinking just how much I needed a Mum around to offer to babysit, just for a couple of hours, so I could go out and do something alone with my husband. I pictured sitting and folding my laundry and laughing with my Mum. The extra hands I get once a year (when I’m lucky) help more than anyone can imagine.
Then I thought about how unhealthy and moody I feel because I got fat.
My thought’s lingered there.
I hate being fat. Hate it.
I don’t look a thing like myself and it bugs the heck out of me.
I hate victim mentality.
Wow, that’s a lot of hate. Can’t believe I’ve allowed myself to use the word.
I have been working on it though, and I do notice the difference, so I really should stop giving any glory to it but it just sucks so bad!
I have no idea how my friends have babies and look like they were never pregnant the next day. I need some of those genes. My baby turns one next month and I only just feel like my body is recovered! Pretty sure I still look pregnant lol.
Anyway, when I was working out yesterday, I had to ride the bike so long by the end of it it felt like my wahoo was preparing to open itself up to deliver another 12lb baby!… and I thought lunging up 10 flights of stairs was sore.
It made me have to take my mind elsewhere so that I could forget about the pain. I found myself thinking about everything I wrote ^^up there in the intro.
As I was working out, feeling bitter, annoyed and angry I did the unthinkable. Do you know what I did?
There was no one else around so I let it happen.
I cried.
Just a little.
No sobbing, no shrieking, just some very sad tears and stinging eyes.
I sat alone in a room, peddling my heart out, upping the resistance every minute, crying.
For the entire rest of the day, at random moments, my eyes did it again and again.
If you recall, I don’t cry. It’s very hard for me to cry (unless it’s a wedding?!). I have a massive protective shell and it’s extremely hard for anything to penetrate it. So yesterday was weird for me. Needless to say I’ve probably shed my tears for the year.
Nothing had happened, no one had insulted me, my family wasn’t in crisis, finances were fine.
My thoughts had just consumed me and I just.needed.to.cry.
Amongst all the sadness I felt yesterday, one thing was very clear. It was time for change.
Being a mother, wife, artist, blogger, landlord, business partner, arts council member (and a million other things that one does) I haven’t had time to myself in about 2 years… Just before I got pregnant with Boston. I used to get regular alone time. It was part of my schedule. Now I feel immense guilt for taking an hour to myself. That’s ridiculous, it’s only ONE HOUR! Why should I feel guilty?
I don’t know if anyone will understand the guilt thing because I’m not sure if it’s a me thing or an every person does it thing but I do know that being physically strong made me mentally strong and I want to get back there. I never used to doubt myself, I got scared but never let it get to me. Right now I just don’t feel like that. I do feel proud that I’ve been pushing myself to just work out despite the guilt and the tiredness though.
I realised something today writing this. I cried at the gym because I was finally alone! Seriously, I can’t even shower without being interrupted most days. I was in my refuge. I’ve mentioned before how attached I got to that place because of this reason. In that moment yesterday at the gym I didn’t have to do anything but work on me; it was a chance to make myself happy. I let go, released the tension and today has been beautiful because of it.
I came to the conclusion that I was far too hard on myself. I had been focusing so much on how sh*t I felt that that was all I was ever feeling. It was time to face facts.
- I don’t have help and usually I don’t care because they’re my kids, my responsibility.
- I like creating and I would never stop just to make mothering and being a housewife easier because that would be like torture to me.
- My in-laws will be down for a visit next month and I can get my family fix from them.
- I can use the time I have now to do all the things I’ve wanted to do around this house; while we work on the last of our goals, before we set off on our next adventure.
- Fat sucks, so don’t stop working out and eating right. It’s really that simple.
In the mean time I have to put my big girl panties back on. I don’t have a bad life, in fact I have a really good life so what the hell was I doing feeling sorry for myself.
It needed to stop.
So here’s to being a big girlpants about the whole thing. It opened my eyes to see the bigger picture. Good things take time.
P.S. I really am amazed those stairs haven’t killed me.
Enjoy this post? I’m offering an easy way for you to get tips on Creating Your OWN Amazing Reality. You can also sign up to receive posts like this via RSS and Email.
Don't forget to share this place with your friends by retweeting this.
I love reading what you have to say so please feel free to leave a comment. They make my day.
Related posts:
- 21 Days of Accountability – Day 19 Tweet If you’re not sweating anywhere, you’re not getting anywhere....
- 21 Days of Accountability – Day 2 Tweet It’s become apparent that the problem I face on...
- 21 Days of Accountability – Day 4 Tweet I know I’m late today! Trust me though, it’s...
Wow. We are sooo at the same point with regards to the fat thing at the moment. I feel disgusting. I hate my extra fat. Hate it and can’t believe I am my own worst enemy at loosing it. Why can’t I? I know what I need to do, so why the hell don’t I just knuckle down, no excuses and do it? Instead I make excuses and eat crap, and make more excuses about starting tomorrow, and around it goes.
But I have been inspired this week by none other than good old Oprah. I saw a couple of repeat episodes this week on tv about “living your best life”. I loved a bit where she talks about her weight issues then goes on to say how grateful she is for her body. And when I think like that, I AM grateful for my body….because…..after all the crap I put into it, after all the neglect, after the lack of exercise, my body still works for me…..my heart still beats strongly for me each and every day, my organs all work, my eyes let me see the beauty around me, and my hands allow me to work, my brain lets me hold precious memories, and my entire body has created and carried two beautiful healthy children to term. So for that, I am truly grateful and thankful and I vow to take much better care of it.
I’m not one to cry either, but after watching these episodes I too shed a few tears, cause I not only need to allow myself to feel powerful enough to do the hard yards and feel good about myself, I owe my body to do it.
Thanks Oprah lol
Hey lady,
Wow, I hear where you are coming from – everything from missing family to rarely having time to yourself to even do something like crying by yourself. i had a friend in university that swore everyone needs to cry at least once a week to cleanse your soul.
Well, I have no magic solution. I hope it helped to share. Chin up, it gets sooooo hard over winter
Chavah,
I certainly know how you feel. We’re leaving in a week and MIL has been wanting all my attention and time. I feel like I’ll never get the house cleaned up before we leave and it will be only be clean, not really clean. I also need the alone time and really can’t wait until we’re gone, then I can finally have some time alone with my wonderful husband and not have her around. I can’t wait!
I’m glad you’re starting to feel better and that you get your own time even if it’s at the gym.
Oh I know how you feel. That’s how I was before i crashed. Smashed right into a deep depression and was filled with ooodles of anxiety. I am currently recovering from this mess and on sabbatical.
I cry because I cried. (Now thats just sad)
Keep on smilin
Blessings to you and yours,
Many of us are too hard on ourselves because we expect perfection & we forget that everyone makes mistakes or has bad days…we’re all allowed. When you have another round take a moment acknowledge the feeling then release it & replace it with a happy thought.
Hugs,
Bill
I Hear you Lisa! I’m sabotaging myself! I haven’t been watching Oprah but I believe I saw these episodes the first time they played. I think I’ll switch it on the afternoon and watch. Sounds like it could be very inspiring.
Oh gosh, a cry a week. I don’t think I can do that lol. Unless someone dies or gets married every week… Being away for so long from family and friends has finally taken a toll. This whole thing has made me more determined to get things moving so I can be with them again.
Alone time is just so essential isn’t it Lisa! I always knew it was but when I put it on the last of my priorities things just felt so much bigger than they really were. I hope it’s not too long till you’re able to get your alone time in, finally!
Oh Jeanie, that doesn’t sound so good. I’m sorry to hear. I’m glad you’re able to take some time to recover because it’s such an awful place to be. Sending you all my love!
Good advice Bill. Hopefully I don’t have another round anytime soon. It’s been 7 years since my last. I’ve had down days, of course, but not to the extent of frustration like this was, for many years. I’m not to stressing type so it was a real pain in the butt lol. Thanks for your kind words of wisdom.
Hi
I just popped into have a look and I totally identified with this post. When my third daughter was about 6 months I started doing pilates. I thought it would right to focus on my core muscles, building up strength before I started doing much other stuff. So there I am, in my local school hall, staring at spit balls on the roof, in my first pilates class….and i started to cry. gentle tears that no one saw, but basically, like you, the first moment i had stopped in months. guilt free, rest, lying on the floor having someone tell me to concentrate on breathing. it just felt so right to be doing this for my body. having three preschoolers doesn’t leave much room for rest normally. i now anxiously wait for my class each week and its amazing to feel the tension (that I don’t even realise is there) melting away…..
Oh Penny, your post sent shivers down my spine. You. Get. It.
That moment has helped so much. The past few weeks have been fantastic and my body is slowly changing shape for the better. I’m very happy. Thank you for sharing your experience! I’d love to give you a great big hug because you really do understand and didn’t judge.
Great to ‘see’ you btw