Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just so frustrated all you want to do is scream?
Well that was me yesterday.
I was thinking about just how homesick I was. I thought about where I wanted my career to go. I thought about how I wanted to see my cousin walk through my door so we could have a long girl talk. I got to thinking just how much I needed a Mum around to offer to babysit, just for a couple of hours, so I could go out and do something alone with my husband. I pictured sitting and folding my laundry and laughing with my Mum. The extra hands I get once a year (when I’m lucky) help more than anyone can imagine.
Then I thought about how unhealthy and moody I feel because I got fat.
My thought’s lingered there.
I hate being fat. Hate it.
I don’t look a thing like myself and it bugs the heck out of me.
I hate victim mentality.
Wow, that’s a lot of hate. Can’t believe I’ve allowed myself to use the word.
I have been working on it though, and I do notice the difference, so I really should stop giving any glory to it but it just sucks so bad!
I have no idea how my friends have babies and look like they were never pregnant the next day. I need some of those genes. My baby turns one next month and I only just feel like my body is recovered! Pretty sure I still look pregnant lol.
Anyway, when I was working out yesterday, I had to ride the bike so long by the end of it it felt like my wahoo was preparing to open itself up to deliver another 12lb baby!… and I thought lunging up 10 flights of stairs was sore.
It made me have to take my mind elsewhere so that I could forget about the pain. I found myself thinking about everything I wrote ^^up there in the intro.
As I was working out, feeling bitter, annoyed and angry I did the unthinkable. Do you know what I did?
There was no one else around so I let it happen.
Just a little.
No sobbing, no shrieking, just some very sad tears and stinging eyes.
I sat alone in a room, peddling my heart out, upping the resistance every minute, crying.
For the entire rest of the day, at random moments, my eyes did it again and again.
If you recall, I don’t cry. It’s very hard for me to cry (unless it’s a wedding?!). I have a massive protective shell and it’s extremely hard for anything to penetrate it. So yesterday was weird for me. Needless to say I’ve probably shed my tears for the year.
Nothing had happened, no one had insulted me, my family wasn’t in crisis, finances were fine.
My thoughts had just consumed me and I just.needed.to.cry.
Amongst all the sadness I felt yesterday, one thing was very clear. It was time for change.
Being a mother, wife, artist, blogger, landlord, business partner, arts council member (and a million other things that one does) I haven’t had time to myself in about 2 years… Just before I got pregnant with Boston. I used to get regular alone time. It was part of my schedule. Now I feel immense guilt for taking an hour to myself. That’s ridiculous, it’s only ONE HOUR! Why should I feel guilty?
I don’t know if anyone will understand the guilt thing because I’m not sure if it’s a me thing or an every person does it thing but I do know that being physically strong made me mentally strong and I want to get back there. I never used to doubt myself, I got scared but never let it get to me. Right now I just don’t feel like that. I do feel proud that I’ve been pushing myself to just work out despite the guilt and the tiredness though.
I realised something today writing this. I cried at the gym because I was finally alone! Seriously, I can’t even shower without being interrupted most days. I was in my refuge. I’ve mentioned before how attached I got to that place because of this reason. In that moment yesterday at the gym I didn’t have to do anything but work on me; it was a chance to make myself happy. I let go, released the tension and today has been beautiful because of it.
I came to the conclusion that I was far too hard on myself. I had been focusing so much on how sh*t I felt that that was all I was ever feeling. It was time to face facts.
- I don’t have help and usually I don’t care because they’re my kids, my responsibility.
- I like creating and I would never stop just to make mothering and being a housewife easier because that would be like torture to me.
- My in-laws will be down for a visit next month and I can get my family fix from them.
- I can use the time I have now to do all the things I’ve wanted to do around this house; while we work on the last of our goals, before we set off on our next adventure.
- Fat sucks, so don’t stop working out and eating right. It’s really that simple.
In the mean time I have to put my big girl panties back on. I don’t have a bad life, in fact I have a really good life so what the hell was I doing feeling sorry for myself.
It needed to stop.
So here’s to being a big girlpants about the whole thing. It opened my eyes to see the bigger picture. Good things take time.
P.S. I really am amazed those stairs haven’t killed me.
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