I’m going to let you in on one of my bad habits. Each day when I sit to write a new post on my blog, I go to my ‘draft posts’ page and look through the list then close it. I have plenty of inspirational posts just sitting there…waiting for the right time for me to push that publish button and share my wonderments with the world. But more often than not, I don’t. I leave it alone for another time, another day, when maybe that gut feeling will kick in and let me know that now is the right time to share that tip, that photo, that laugh, those words of advice that I learned along the way…
Today I drew a blank.
I didn’t know what I was going to share with everyone, so I went to the gym and did my workout, crossing my fingers that inspiration would strike while the sweat ran down my brow.
Well, it didn’t.
I hopped in the car to come home and David Dallas’ – Slow Down song came on. I’d like to share the song with you but it’s not available for download anymore but you can find it on his Something Awesome album. Trust me, you’ll love it. I feel like a bit of a groupie talking about David but this guy has so much talent and I don’t think I’m biased. The song hit a chord today, not that it hasn’t before but today I was just very aware of it. The chorus goes:
Damn, so you’re on your own feelin’ low now
Steady tryna break free but don’t know how
Things ain’t happenin’ at the speed that you want them
Guess it’s life tryna teach you to slow down
I heard the song and realised what was bugging me. Christmas is always hard for me. We live away from our families and every Christmas my family all get together and have the most amazing fun time. My grandfather passed away 7 years ago now, on Christmas eve; and ever since, we have gotten together on that day and made a huge family celebration out of it. It’s just a time where we treat the many, many children in our ever growing family, celebrate Christmas and laugh our sorrows away. Then I remember the Christmas lunches we used to have with my husbands family, who I absolutely adore. It gets really hard for me to be away from everyone at this time of year.
Anyway, the song just brought up a lot of things that I’ve felt/thought in my own life. He talks about life as an artist (musician) and how he gave up his degree and the prospect of making large figures to do what he loves. Looking outside and seeing a bright world but wanting to curl up in bed some days because of the suffocating feeling that can overcome a person as they fight the uphill battle of living your dreams. Yeah, to say it hit home is a bit of an understatement.
People ALWAYS ask me why our family moved to Invercargill. For those that don’t know, where we live is often the butt of all NZ jokes. So here’s how it is:
When we lived in Auckland we had two children and a mortgage that was eating us alive. We were just kids trying to find our way, everybody’s been there (or is there or will be there one day). My husband had a fantastic job that paid plenty of money but the very nature of his job meant that me and the kids rarely saw him. He had to leave before the rest of the house woke up and didn’t get home until it was dark outside. I had to keep the children up late to eat dinner with him so we could spend our daily ONE HOUR together as a family. He was always the one to put them to bed because it was the only chance he got to be with them. His job meant he was on call all the time and there were plenty of weekends we had to drop our plans because he got called in to work. I love him for all that he did but we both knew we were in a bad place in every which way.
It wasn’t working for us. It’s not the life we wanted to share together. Life in big city NZ is very different to life in a small town NZ. I’m not saying it’s better or worse because I love them both, just different. To see our family we’d drive 45mins-2hours…depending on the traffic…we lived in the same city. So we barely saw anyone anyway. When we were presented with a way to leave, we did a lot of talking and we took the opportunity. It was the right thing for us to do at that time of our lives.
Wow, look at that, I managed to sum it up in 2 paragraphs. Back to the point:
We moved our family to Invercargill so that we could BE a family.
We had goals. We craved a new adventure. We were excited for change.
It meant sacrificing money, our friends that we’ve had since primary school and the families that were just getting to know us. Little luxuries like malls and markets. Foreign foods and babysitters. Hip hop gigs and our Auckland accents.
In every way it’s been worth it, well actually, we really hate when our accent slips. We have achieved so much more than we ever knew we could have if we had stayed living the life we were but every now and again I’ll have a day where I question myself.
That time usually comes around right about now.
I miss my cousins, I miss laughing so hard with my girlfriends hard that I think I’m going to die. I miss taking my kids to the mall ‘just because’ on a cold, wet day. I miss the many large cultural events that meant the whole city was at gridlock and you were stuck in your car, melting as you soaked in the suns rays that were beaming down on you so instead you just blasted your stereo and sang your lungs out while you waited. I miss watching my friends perform and celebrating their success with them! I miss ridiculous things like ‘oh sorry we’ve run out of them’… that’s usually where the conversation stops when you live in a small town but in a city they type things into their little computer system and then tell me which store has one in stock and ask me if I want them to deliver it to this store or if I want to go to the other store myself to pick it up because they’ve set it aside for me.
We never moved here with the intention of staying forever, it’s now been 5 1/2 years and I’ve been able to replace some things.. like I have fabulous new friends, who haven’t actually replaced anyone, just slipped right on into the extra spaces I have to fill and we’ve been out as a couple twice now because we found a babysitter we can trust. But here’s where the song comes in to play and why it got to me today.
Things ain’t happenin’ at the speed that you want them.
A lot has changed in 5 1/2 years. Just go here to see what I mean. Think of your own life and the differences in life for yourself. We evolve as people and our needs and desires change. For me, time has passed really quickly. My husband and I have always agreed that we don’t intend to raise teenagers down here but we’ve become comfortable. Our life is great here. But we now have an almost 9 year old and that means those teen years are sneaking up on us. How did this happen? We have four years left to figure out the bigger picture. We know what we want but have no idea how to get it. Well, we have some idea. We do have a plan, we’re planners… A lot of the plan falls on my head. ME. I feel totally unqualified for this role and some days I’m the one that wants to crawl into a hole to hide until I’m ready but I know from experience that plan doesn’t work.
The other week I found myself really frustrated and asked my husband “Why do I want so much? We already have so much, why is it not enough? I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think it’s in me to stop! Should I stop? Do I need to stop?”
I rarely talk about work in real life (I think I share more than enough on my blog) but I spend a lot of long hours working and it’s great for me personally and the family but I constantly have to re evaluate the path I’m on. Am I happy, is it bringing in the desired results, is our family/fun/work schedule in balance?
It’s not even that I want more ‘stuff’, I’d happily sell everything we own, and take the money to create experiences for myself, Andrew and the children, and quite frankly, don’t be surprised when the day comes that I actually do that. I just want more for everyone in general and can’t comprehend when somebody doesn’t want more from themselves. I never pushed myself until I reached about 20. I sailed along acing almost everything that came my way without even trying, you can call it lucky, I call it lazy. So for me it’s a very personal challenge to actually try when something new presents itself. I try to be sympathetic to those that don’t think the same way I do but those friendships always end for me. When you expect more of yourself, you will get more! YOU will find a way to make it possible, even if it means pulling out a sledge hammer and breaking in your own path. So then I’m back at my dilemma.
Things ain’t happenin’ at the speed that you want them.
I want to be where my mind is already. But I’m not, and I know it’s completely inconceivable to be in the position my mind is in any time soon. There are lots of little paths to go down first with plenty of unexpected bumps (I’m sure) that will come along the way.
But I’ll get there… and then I’ll go home.
We’ll all celebrate Christmas together again as a huge family and I’ll be satisfied. I’ll know that Andrew and I worked hard to get ourselves the life we desired. We’ll have gained more knowledge and know how and I guarantee I’ll even be at my dream size. Things aren’t happening at the speed that I want them… but nothing ever does and I’ve still come out alright.
It seems David Dallas is right:
Guess it’s life tryna teach you to slow down.
{ 6 comments }
.
